like heaven but real

fingertips shrivel
and nails recede

like a raisin developing from a grape

i walk around in my cold
damp socks

thinking about trench foot

i wonder how many days i could wear these socks
before my toes become like my fingertips

welcome to the crazy horse west

my head spins

and i reach for the wall

something to grab onto

light refracts into blue halos

my vision crackles

i feel like i am

watching an old cassavetes film

my knees give out and i collapse

in the cold corner

but i don't

remember collapsing

just sinking

waking up feeling

like if i stop trying

i am going to throw up

i feel disconnected

nauseous

embarrassed

i sit and drink my warm water

and try to regain

some reference of stabilty

this may take a while

old rasputin waves his 'orthodox' fingers at me

lower back pains

i don’t know what happened to her between

the seventies and eighties

she used to be such an honest girl

the kind of girl who washed the dishes

the kind of girl who preferred plays to films

something changed

now she hits the dog

she wakes me in the middle of the night

to tell me something about me that she doesn’t like

last night she told me that she hates the way i blink

when i look at her

i remember before

when we were young

when weekends started with cocktails

instead of fights

now they end with cocktails

alone

fiery holiday bean chili

ingredients:

1 can peeled whole tomatoes

2 medium yellow onions

2 jalapeño peppers

1 anaheim pepper

1 green bell pepper

12 garlic cloves

1/2 lb (1 1/2 cans) soaked great northern beans (or kidney beans)

1 can soaked black beans

1 teaspoon sea salt

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

1 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper

1 teaspoon crushed red pepper

1 teaspoon cumin

1 teaspoon tabasco sauce

instructions:

cut the tomatoes into fourths and pour the can in entirety into a large saucepan. heat saucepan to medium/low heat. chop onions and add. chop garlic and add. cook for 10 minutes.

chop and remove seeds of green bell pepper and add. chop and add anaheim pepper and jalapeno peppers (with seeds). drain beans and add.

add in salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, crushed red pepper, cumin, and tabasco sauce.

cook covered for 1 hour.

remove lid and cook for 30 minutes.

notes:

this chili is very spicy. the cornbread recipe that i posted previously goes really well with this chili recipe.

if you don't want an extremely spicy chili i suggest that you reduce the amount of hot peppers that you do not include tabasco sauce/use less cayenne pepper

the shadow on the ceiling looks like a crab

norman invited me over for dinner

it was raining so my socks got wet

he said he wanted to make me dinner

lord knows norman can't cook

norman made peanut butter and honey sandwiches

he thought he would be fancy and serve it on toast

he pierced the thickly sliced white bread with the poker

norman held the bread over the makeshift fire he had made in the fireplace

he offered me some brandy

lord knows peanut butter and honey tastes best with brandy

the sweet strong brandy stung my cracked lips as i sipped it

he tried to tell me stories about the stuffed birds on his wall

norman had named the birds after the characters from 'animal farm'

the burnt toast was a perfect housing for the viscous honey

as i bit into the sandwich the honey gushed out onto my chin

it dried in my beard and created a rough sticky surface that reminded me of grout

norman handed me a dishrag that had dried tomato sauce on it

i wiped my chin with the wet red rag until the grime was removed

norman took the dishrag from me and dimmed the lights

lord knows he was always planning something awful

good thing i had a few glasses of whiskey before i came over

dinner with norman always ends in blackouts

autumnal vegetable stuffed squash

ingredients:

2 small acorn squashes

1 red onion

1/2 yellow onion

1/2 shallot

6 cloves garlic

2 handfuls crimini mushrooms

2 small yellow zucchinis

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon curry powder

1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper

1/2 teaspoon paprika

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 egg whites

2 tablespoons cottage cheese

1 small 'tube' of chèvre

instructions:

preheat oven to 375°F and place rack in middle of oven

cut acorn squash in half lengthwise and remove seeds. on a baking sheet place squash flesh side up and rub orange flesh with olive oil. cover with tin foil and bake for 40 minutes or until orange flesh of squash begins to become tender.

heat a pan over medium heat and add olive oil. slice all vegetables. add onions/garlic/shallots. cook a few minutes. add zucchini/mushrooms. cook a few minutes.

add cinnamon/salt/curry powder/black pepper making sure the flavors are blending. the flavors from the vegetables alone are very vibrant.

in a large bowl combine the sautéed curried vegetables/egg whites/cottage cheese. mix well.

when squash has become tender remove from oven and scoop vegetable mixture into each halved squash until 3/4 of the way full. make sure that the squash is stable on the cooking sheet and will not fall over.

place back in hot oven and bake 30-50 minutes uncovered until the mixture has 'set'.

when the squash is near finishing spread some chèvre on the top of each and bake a few more minutes.

the gold ones might have almonds in them

tried to think of the last time i had a ‘good’ nightmare

the kind where you wake up somewhere else

not knowing what you are

the kind of dream that makes waking up in the morning hard

makes your bed feel like another planet

couldn’t remember when it was

maybe when i was young

when i woke up one night

convinced the bed was made of boulders

i clawed my way to the flat spot

curled back up

thinking i had found a ‘comfortable’ rock to sleep on

it was one of those dreams

spicy/jala/cornbread

ingredients:

3 tablespoons olive oil (you can use butter/walnut oil/etc...)

1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

1 cup whole wheat flour

3/4 cup corn meal

1/4 cup brown sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 1/2 teaspoons sea salt

1 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper

1 jalapeño pepper

1 1/4 cups plain soy milk

instructions:

heat oven to 350°F

in pan (i use a square 9-inch pan) combine oil and crushed red pepper flakes and place in the hot oven while you prepare the rest of the ingredients

in a medium sized mixing bowl combine the dry ingredients and mix

add soy milk and mix

take pan out of oven and pour the mixture into the hot pan making sure to spread the mixture evenly to the edges of the pan

bake for 30-40 minutes depending upon your oven

large lawn gnomes

here comes the yellow sheet

it will cover what hangs mangled out the door onto the lawn

the glass on the street causes me to jump off my bike

i take the sidewalk and look around

the street becomes a blacktop jungle surrounded by drooping tape

so many people

so many lights

the lawn with the house with the car in it is the attraction

the police swarm up and down the street

run red lights

shell casings in the alley across the street

the sirens blast my eardrums

make me tentative to cross the intersection

the gunshots startled those around

i wonder what started it

i wonder if he woke up this morning thinking he was going to die